Terminator 5

Look, we all love us some big ass robots with big ass guns, and Arnold is a big dude who can carry a big gun. Terminator part 1 was great. I mean, you've got time travel, killer robots, prophecies. I mean, seriously, how cool is that? You never get prophecy in sci-fi. Then, Terminator 2 threw things on their head. What? The Killer Robot is our friend against a newer, fancier robot? Oooo... how interesting that the bad guy from the first one is the good guy in the second.

Third movie? Same damn thing. Same old robot, brand new killer bots. The Sarah Conner Chronicles? Again, same thing. Reprogrammed robot helps kill bad robots. Terminator Salvation shakes things up, but just a little. One robot who doesn't know he's a robot helping fight the rest. We need to break from the formula.

So what if, for the next terminator movie... ALL of the robots versus aliens versus, wait for it, dinosaurs.

We're stuck with the same old tired and boring humans versus robots thing. This war's gone on long enough, don't you think? I mean, how many last stands does John Conner get before the robots realize bullshit bullshit bullshit, perseverance of the human spirit, bullshit bullshit bullshit, creativity, bullshit bullshit bullshit, capacity for love, blah blah blah.

We need a new enemy to step in and make things interesting. There's no one else on the planet. Humans could make weird genetically mutated humans who go nuts, but they'd have to use computers and let's be reasonable here, skynet would hack it. The robots have been churning out alternative robots for forever, so that's old hat. The only place to get new enemies is from the stars. So aliens come. Their electro-magnetic synthetic bio-whatever the hell scanners detect life and lots of tech, so they come to investigate, but here's the thing. All of these terminators sent back in time? That causes some serious distortion to the space time continuum and their temporal flux anomaly detectors say, "Hey, FYI, these guys have time travel," which of course the aliens have wanted for forever. Don't ask me how they can detect time travel but don't have time travel themselves. That's for the writers to figure out. That's their job, amirite?

So here's John Conner and he wants to get rid of these robots and here come the aliens. John makes a deal with the little green men or gray men or whatever color they end up being, and they agree to help him, only he doesn't know they're just in it for the tech and they plan on enslaving the world with it. So we get a little political intrigue. This isn't your daddy's action movie. It's got some real depth, you know? Layers.

As he's working with the aliens, he falls in love with one who's just smoking hot sexy. It'll be like Avatar only instead of being blue tree-hugging hippies they'll be sexy techno types who wear spandex and leather and neon lights like something out of Tron. And so we get a love story in there too and some really hot sex scenes. Make sure to get a little full frontal or at least topless, unlike that disappointing PG-13 Avatar sex scene nonsense.

She finds out what the aliens' real plans are and because she loves him, humans are great, indomitable human spirit, noble creatures bullshit that all these sci-fi movies have, she tells him and betrays her people. So they go to the terminators and they join up with them to get rid of the aliens, and then because Alien chick is from another planet, she says "let me show you how we love where I'm from," and there's a sexy lesbian scene with Summer Glau or the terminatrix or some other robo-hottie (What were they called in Austin Powers? Fembots?). Any way, lesbian sex. Three way. Get someone like Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman. Someone who all the fanboys wanna see naked. We're talking huge opening weekend grosses.

Anyway, terminators plus humans versus aliens. But we're too late. Aliens have the time travel tech, and guess what? Clothes, tools? Inorganic things don't time travel so well, so the aliens go back in time and get something all organic and all-powerful. Fuckin' dinosaurs. What? Only the humans get the idea that they can do it too. Imagine that final fight scene. Aliens blasting shit with lasers while a T-rex runs through and destroys everything in his path and then, oh shit, here comes every action star you've ever seen as robotic assassins armed with the biggest guns you've ever seen riding on the backs of fuckin' dinosaurs. Tell me you wouldn't pay good money to see that thing.

Now, Christian Bale is playing John Conner and he's been showing his chops, so we'll probably have to give him some Oscar Bait in there too. Maybe his wife dies at the beginning and his kids are brutally murdered by terminators, which is why he shacks up with the aliens (get over his wife). Plus, it shows real depth of character that he's siding with the robots who killed his kid after some big long "Should I? Shouldn't I?" scene.

You've got some political intrigue, some heart, some sex and violence, action, monsters, time travel, aliens. It'd be "Independence Day" meets "Jurassic Park" versus "G.I. Joe" meets "Terminator." Can you imagine the box office grosses? The merchandising? We're talking toys, action figures, breakfast cereals, t-shirts, video games, spin-off porn. What do you say? Let's greenlight this thing so we can start rolling in the millions.

Brain Clown Posse

So I was on the internet checking out these videos, you know, looking to see what I can spin into a tv/movie/merchandising deal and I see this video about clowns and miracles and stuff. You know. Rainbows are magic. How do magnets work? Science stuff. Why does my kid look like me?

Why don't these guys have a kids show yet? What do they call themselves? The Insane Clown Posse? Here's what I'm thinking. Half hour show. Maybe animated. Got these two clowns who live in Clown Town and they go on these educational adventures. How do magnets work? How do rainbows form? Where does electricity come from? Crazy shit like that. So they go on these adventures and they sing their little science rap songs. We give 'em a clown dog or cat or monkey or something. They have a clown car, all of which of course will be made into action figures and dolls and shit. We call the show "The Brain Clown Posse" or "The Edutain Clown Posse." I don't know. Figure it out later.

And these guys have fans, right? I think they call themselves Jugglers? Juggalos? Something about juggling. So their fans can juggle on the show and teach kids how to juggle. Bam! We can sell licensed juggling kits too. We've got this built-in fanbase to watch the show, they're old enough to have kids, so their kids are watching the show, because hey, who doesn't love an educational clown, amirite? Meanwhile, they're buying the DVDs, the action figures, the pajamas, the breakfast cereal. They're coming to see the ice show. It'll be the next big Barney or Scooby-Doo or that Dora chick. We'll make billions, amirite?

What do we say? We got a deal?

A Scanner Darkly 2

Alright, baby. Listen up. I've been thinking about this thing, right? It's been a while since Keanu Reeves has done something. Time to get him back in the saddle. But he thinks he's serious now since he did that Scanner Darkly thing. I don't know. I guess because it has some title I can't understand. Do you know what it means? I sure don't. So I'm thinking maybe we lure him back in. Sequel, amirite?

So here's what we got. We got Keanu, right? And he's at that place, what's it called? New Path. And he's recovering from Substance D addiction, wah wah, weepy weepy, Keanu can get his dramatic performance in. Maybe an Oscar nod. The Academy likes drug addiction, right? Whatever. We'll get the writers to sort it out later. Anyway.

So he's at New Path and he discovers, holy crap, this assholes are the guys growing that blue flower thing that Substance D is made from. And he needs to break out, but the thing is, see, these New Path guys don't play around. I mean, they are a drug cartel, right? So they've got these big guys with these machine guns and these rocket launchers and stuff. Lasers. It's set in the future, right? Sure, so they can have laser guns. It'll be a kinda sci-fi drama action movie kinda thing.

But see, the thing is, New Path? They aren't done yet. No. Substance D was just a dry run. A test for their marketing system, their ability to create a drug and get it going on the streets. They were just making sure they had the infrastructure to launch, get this, Substance Z. That's right. You know where I'm going with this. It's like Substance D only it turns the addicts into flesh-eating zombies. Zombies are so in right now. And so Keanu has to not only kill all the New Path guys, but he also has to save the whole world from just millions and millions of zombies. And the president is all on the phone like, "We need Arctor! Get him out of that facility now! He's the only one who knows how to handle this shitstorm!" Because, hey, it's funny to see the president swear.

So it's Arctor and a whole team of commandos. And they're just cutting f'n swaths through these zombie hordes right? Maybe one of 'em could be the comic relief like Howling Mad Murdock from The A-Team. And they've got guns and tanks and the New Path guy is doing angry villain stuff like shaking his robotic fist at everything. And I don't know about you, but when I first heard they were making A Scanner Darkly, I thought it was a cross between Scanners and Pitch Dark. It wasn't. Lame. But we can still connect to that key Scanners demographic. So like, what if Substance D gave Arctor crazy psychic powers too? So he's just staring at people and their heads explode. Bad guys. Guards. Zombies. You name it. He can make anything explode with his mind. And we get clever, like with Aliens, you know? Instead of calling it A Scanner Darkly 2, we call it The Scanners Darkly. Right? I mean, it's gonna be a brilliant sci-fi horror action comedy drama paranormal thing.

Only here's what I'm thinking. Last movie didn't gross so much. Lost money even. But this is where it gets good, right? That movie had a few names in it. Keanu. Robert Downy Jr. Woody. Winona. What it really needs, though, is more names. More famous people means more money, right? So we take those scramble suits that they wore. You know that holographic whatever stuff that made them look like everybody? What if, wait for it, it only made them look like celebrities? Right? We get all the celebrities. Pay 'em cameo rates, right? Screw 'em. They're working only one day. So when Keanu's in the suit, he looks like all these famous guys. Stallone. Willis. Schwartzeneger. Rourke. Vin Diesel. Statham. It'd be like that Imaginarium of Doctor Whathisface thing only times ten and they're all blowing stuff up and killing guys.

Also, we get rid of Winona. Not a fan of her. Talented, yeah, sure, but she's not sexy. She's not hot right now. We replace her with, I'm thinking Jessica Alba or that one girl from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. You know the one. The blonde one. Or hell, doesn't matter. Either of them will do. But see, remember because she was an agent too, she also gets a scramble suit, so she can look like every hot actress out there. Screw it, every hot famous chick. Models. Singers. Porn stars. You name it. They don't need to act. I mean, no one is coming to see this for the acting, amirite? Sorry, Keanu.

Now here's the best part. Can you imagine that sex scene? Every hot person you've ever seen in a movie just going at it with every other hot famous person you've ever seen. Just a big old collage of sexy people having sex for five straight minutes. I'd pay fifteen bucks to see that.

So you know, it's steamy and sexy and it's sci-fi with action and some real drama in there and, you know, with a heart because Arctor and Donna (those are their names, right?), they really do love each other, so there's some sadness, some love there for the date movie crowd.

The Scanners Darkly. Staring every actor who's hot right now. Sci-fi action horror drama comedy sexy love story with a heart. It'll make millions. Amirite?